


In A Hand Basket

by Werecakes



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Come on, F/M, Kili turned into a girl, M/M, Radagast has special mushrooms, You Know You WANT To, fem!Kili, give it a chance, mwahahaha, over baring big brother Fili, this is for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-10-09
Packaged: 2017-12-24 19:48:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werecakes/pseuds/Werecakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili, tired of his stubble being an insult to use against him, goes to Radagast for some help, but when he gets the wrong "spell" he ends up becoming a she. Everything has changed for the Company of Thorin Oakenshield and driving Kili up the wall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"You’re beard is still nothing but stubble." Thorin frowned touching Kili’s face as they waited for the wizards to talk.

Radagast had come across them in their journey once more, a need to speak with Gandalf once more. They had been talking so long that Bombur was already cooking them supper and the rest of the company was setting up camp while Bilbo gathered wood with Bofur.

"Thank you for that." Kili snapped batting Thorin’s hand away from him. Thorin only brought up his facial hair when he was upset over something. It was probably the unexpected stop but it didn’t mean that he had the right to be a jerk. "You’re a real charmer, you know that?"

"Don’t be a child, Kili."

"So first I have stubble and now I’m a child?" The archer growled. "Really? This is how you want to spend time together after not being able to in so long? Because I really don’t want to be insulted more than I must."

"I didn’t mean it that way."

"No, it’s just exactly what you said." He snorted. "I think your hand can keep you company tonight."

"Well, you fucked that up right good." Thorin rubbed his face as Fili leaned against his shoulder as Kili stormed off.

"Thank you for your observation."

"I’m always at your service dear uncle. Bombur says supper will be ready soon."

Thorin looked up at the sky silently asking his ancestors what he had done to deserve such a family.

——————————————————

Kili was petting one of Radagast’s rabbits when the wizard came tromping up.

"O-oh, hello. I- How are you?" 

Kili looked at Radagast and smirked a little. He was much like a rabbit himself, all jittery and stammering over his words. “Doing better with a distraction.” Kili said, his fingers scratching behind a long ear causing the rabbit to kick its leg. “Never really seen these kind of animals before we met you. They common in other areas?”

"Somewhat." The wizard paced a little, making sounds as if he was about to start a conversation before he just died to silence. 

It wasn’t until Kili spoke up that the quiet was broken. “You staying for supper?”

"I suppose I could."

The dwarf stood up fully. “Can I ask you something?”

"Y-Yes."

"Do you have anything for hair growth? Like a magic tonic or shampoo for bald werewolves or something?"

The wizard stared at him for a while before he broke out laughing. “Oh goodness no!”

Kili scratched his chin. “Figured as much. Don’t think anything will grow this out for me.”

"It’s a mushroom."

"What?"

"What I use to grow fur and hair it’s a mushroom that I treat with magic." Radagast went to his little sled and flipped open the basket chest that was fixed onto it. "It’s ah, it’s somewhere in here. I know it is. I-If you wish to take a look."

"Really?"

"Yes, yes. Oh, Gandalf!" Radagst saw his gray friend walking into camp and he hurried after him. "I just remembered something."

Kili dug through the brown wizard’s basket, grimacing when something would squirm. He was pretty sure he got bit by a few mice too. But the more he looked the less he was certain he would find a simple mushroom. That was until he found a burlap sack, opening it up he found two mushrooms, they looked exactly the same. He put them up to his nose and sniffed. They smelled the same…

He gave a shrug and popped one into his mouth. It tasted like a typical mushroom except for a odd bacon after taste. It wasn’t bad. He looked at the other one debating if he should eat that one as well when his stomach gave a little cramp. He put the other one away. It was best not to play with too much magic infused food.

He went back into camp accepting his bowl of stew from Bilbo and went to sit with the two wizards. Many gave him strange looks but he just shrugged it off. Radagast was nice enough to give him a mushroom to grow his beard, the least he could do was be friendly back.

That night Kili felt terrible. His body burned with fever, his bones ached, and he was certain his organs were tearing themselves apart. It wasn’t until there was an ungodly popping sound, lancing him with horrible pain that he let out a scream. Fili jerked awake next to him.

"Kili?" He sat up quickly, leaning over his brother. "Kili, what’s wrong?"

The archer’s arm suddenly jerked back, hitting into Fili hard as his shoulder jerked forward and another terrible bone popping sound cracked out of the younger’s body. He screamed again this time it woke up the whole of the camp. Everyone gathered around the contorted youth that writhed with convulsing agony. Thorin and Oin tried to restrain Kili so he could not hurt himself in his thrashing.

"Don’t touch him!" Gandalf barked, pushing his way through the crowd of dwarves. He knelt down and watched him for a moment as he sobbed in terrible pain.

"Fili," Kili sobbed into the dirt, as his body seemed to slow in its torture.

"I’m right here," Fili stroked his brother’s hair, too afraid to touch his body.

There was a sudden crunch, a depression appeared in Kili’s back as if someone had stomped on him. He was howling worse than ever.

"Do something!" Thorin grabbed Gandalf’s robes.

"I intend too." He said calmly. He gathered Kili into his arms. He picked him up and started to walk with long, quick strides towards his horse. The Company of Thorin Oakenshield following at his heels. "I shall return with Kili soon, do not worry."

"Don’t worry? How can we not worry after this?" Bilbo yelled as he wrung his hands.

"Because I believe I now how to help Master Kili, Bilbo, but I must ask you all to wait for me here. We shall return in a few days time." Gandalf said as he mounted his horse, Kili held close to his chest.


	2. Chapter 2

No one could rest after Gandalf had left. It took everything Bofur, Bilbo, and Balin had to convince Fili and Thorin to stay in camp as they wished to ride off after the wizard. The hours stretched into days, days into a week, and at the end of the second week everyone was certain that Kili had met a terrible end and Gandalf was slow in coming back to tell them the news.

Fili rubbed his eyes for possibly the hundredth time in an hour, the last four days he had not slept. He was slipping in and out of small naps as he tried to stay awake in case Gandalf came back at any given moment. Thorin had given into sleep about an hour ago, leaned up against a tree, curled up in a tight ball of turmoil. Even his slumbering face looked upset.

"He’s here!" Gloin shouted.

"Gandalf! He’s back!" Bofur hurried over and shook Thorin.

The king staggered up to his feet, bolting forward as Fili was already pushing his way in front of the rest of the company as the wizard slowed his horse. Seated on the horse in front of him a cloaked figure dressed in Kili’s royal blues.

"Kili!" Fili reached up to his brother to help him off of the horse.

"Careful master dwarf, Kili is very much still recovering." Gandalf warned.

"Where have you been? You’ve had us worried sick!" Dori shouted.

Bilbo quickly joined in, “Not even a missive! We were certain he had met his end!”

Gandalf gently helped Kili into Fili’s waiting arms. Fili hugged his brother tight, crushing him against his chest. Kili gave a rather high pitched yelp of pain as Fili went rigged at the unfamiliar feeling of something soft against him.

He backed off and looked at Kili up and down. He tilted his head to look into the hood at his brother’s face. Fili swallowed hard, not sure how to take this.

"I’m afraid, in a sense, he has." Gandalf sighed. "Not much thanks to the misunderstanding between Kili and Radagast."

"What nonsense are you spouting?" Thorin asked as he came up to his nephews. 

"Exactly what I have said Thorin Oakenshield. Kili as you know it is no longer Kili but… well.." He slid off of his horse at a loss for words. He gently touched Kili’s back trying to encourage the dwarf. "It will be alright my dear."

Kili made a small sound in the back of his throat that sounded very feminine. But eventually he untied his cloak, pulling it off showing a very female figure. Round hips and thick thighs, soft breasts held up in a leather bodice, skin pale as the moon but sporting bruises, face with significantly less stubble but still just as baby faced with some freckles speckling across her nose and cheeks. A few freckles spilling over her shoulders and forearms like scattered stars. Her hair wavy, little ringlets here and there in the dark nest of locks. 

"Why do you not have a tunic on?!" Fili grabbed the cloak from Kili and wrapped it around his, no, her shoulders hiding her pretty figure once more.

"These things sweat horribly." Kili motioned to her chest. "And a tunic chaffs under the bodice and Gandalf wouldn’t let me out of Radagast’s hut without a bodice!"

"W-how?" Bilbo managed to ask.

"It would seem something had gotten into Kili’s mind that he needed assistance with growing his beard and asked Radagast for help. Unfortunately what was given to him was not what he had asked for but a special magic that Radagast uses on animals to help bring up their population by changing the gender."

"Why are their bruises on…her?" Thorin asked, his fingers gently touching one over Kili’s jaw. It looked old and he had no doubt it was very painful when it was first received.

"It was never intended for dwarves, humans, nor elves. The body between male and female much too different. When Kili consumed the magic, his body turned into a she, the change did much damage to her. It was only recently she was well enough to travel."

"This is much to handle… and you must be tired. Come," Thorin gently took Kili by the elbow much like a gentleman. "You must rest."

"Forgive me, Uncle." Fili suddenly grabbed Thorin away from Kili, firmly placing himself between the king and his now sister.

"Fili." Thorin growled.

"I am sorry, Thorin, but I simply cannot let things continue as they had prior." Fili took Kili’s arm much like Thorin had before hand.

"Aye." Gloin stroked his beard in approval. "The lad has a point. We now have a woman amongst us. The rules have changed."

"No they haven’t." Kili barked. "I’m still me. I’m still with Thorin, I-"

"I’m not hearing of it!" Fili had Kili sit down. "Now rest."

Kili rolled her eyes. Great. Fili’s big brother drive just kicked into over drive. This is exactly what he, she, needed. The whole time she had been with the two wizards suffering from terrible pain she had tried to cling onto the idea that soon as she got back she would be able to seek safety in Thorin’s arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Kili was getting sick of this. She was surrounded by Dori, Fili, Bilbo, Bifur, and even Oin and Gloin at all times. They took it upon themselves to be her personal guard away from her lover who has barely had the time to look at her from across the camp before Fili would step between them or drag Kili away, or even twice now actually chastise their uncle, no, their king. Bilbo made sure to gather material from anything spare they could find and started to make Kili new clothing that would fit her properly, which resulted in simple dresses that Kili had a hard time walking in. She was not accustomed to skirts, let alone ones that went down to the ground. Most the time now she walked around with her hands filled with many layers of skirts in stead of a pipe or a knife to work wood with or, well anything!

Kili was forced to sit with Bilbo and learn the finer points of sowing, which, luckily she already knew some things considering when she was her old self “he” would have to mend Fili and “his” clothing while they were on the road. But nothing as complicated as what Bilbo was practically brow beating into her. Dori was constantly giving orders, “sit up straight”, “keep your knees together”, “you’re a lady take smaller bites”, “Now when you make tea for your host-” and the like. He even grabbed some books from Ori to balance on Kili’s head to practice walking fluidly. Kili bragged to Fili that Dori couldn’t do that to her for much longer because she was already swift on her feet and keeping the books balanced was not hard to do and she got it down within the first few days.

Oin though, oh gods above preserve Kili because she was about to kill the man. He was beyond fascinated as to the body structure change, more slender shoulders but larger hips, breasts that were starting to loose their bruising (caused by the sudden body change). He insisted on checking Kili out medically almost every day which resulted in more naked time than Kili was comfortable with and of course this would set Fili on edge immediately after. But when it was confirmed that indeed Kili was, as a female, a virgin everything seemed to change even more.

Dwalin and Thorin made sure that all the males had a close eye on them and while they were doing that Fili kept a close eye on Thorin. Kili was given her own personal look out during the night that was either Bilbo, Dori, or Fili and even when she had to use the bathroom she had to have a guard. Bathing though, when they found a nice stream she had to wait by the fire with Gandalf, then when the men were done she was allowed to go and bath where Fili prowled the shore line like a hungry cat, all the time looking out towards camp.

"Damn it." Kili hissed, her fingers pressing against her lower belly as another pain twitched deep within.

"You’re bruises still bothering you?" Fili asked, his back to his sister.

"No, only a few of those are there but- ow." Kili crouched down in the water hoping the running cold would help with the pain. Then she saw some red mix into the water. She shot up out of the water, looking down between her legs as little lines of red slipped down her thighs. She carefully touched up between her legs worried something had split further and it would hurt more but it didn’t, all she got were those pains in her lower belly that were starting in her back.

"F-fili…" Kili gulped. What the hell was this? The wizards never said anything about whatever this was. Something had to be wrong. "Fili! Get Oin."

Her brother turned, sparing her a look. She held up her bloodied fingers and his face paled. He shot off to the camp where he grabbed the old dwarf by the shoulders and started hauling him bodily back towards the stream. “Something’s wrong with Kili,” was all he said.

By the time they got back to the water Kili was laying on her back, knees up, hands on her belly and groaning in pain. "Kili!"

Fili was kneeling by her side instantly, hand grabbing hers. He kissed her knuckles. “I’m here.”

"It hurts so bad." Kili groaned, squeezing her eyes tight, clutching her brother’s hand.

"I’m going to be touching your personal areas, Kili," Oin said in a very doctor tone as he settled himself between her ankles, seeing where the blood was coming from.

"As you have not before?"

"Just ease your legs open lass."

It was at this time that they were joined by another person. A warm coat was draped over Kili’s naked form and her other hand grabbed by Thorin who had come to check up on his lover after hearing Fili’s upset voice and the sudden disappearance of their doctor. Kili pulled her hand away from Fili so she could clutch desperately onto Thorin’s arm, not having felt him in what felt like forever. 

She pulled her lips between her teeth as another cramp punched her stomach and back. It didn’t help that she was not fond of anyone touching her between the legs, even when she was a he, besides Thorin and Oin was probing pretty well. Let it be said that Oin was, in fact, a thorough doctor.

Oin pulled away soon enough and washed his hands in the water. 

"What is wrong with her?" Fili asked, eager to know.

"Nothing."

"Nothinig? But she’s bleeding and even a blind man can see she’s in pain!"

"…Do you mean to say she is-" Thorin cut himself off, looking down at the brunette that was practically climbing into his lap from how much she was starting to squirm.

"Yes, she is fully a woman now."

"Fully a wo-" Fili’s cheeks flared with color. Oh gods. Kili was on her first period. Why didn’t he think of that? 

"We must get her cloth and stop our travels for a few days. As it being her first one it will be very bloody and we must keep her clean. With as much change to Kili’s body that has already happened I do not want to risk infection." Oin passed by Fili and patted his shoulder, "Common laddy, let us find something for her to use."

Fili hesitated but seeing how Thorin caressed and comforted Kili he gave in. He got up and left the two alone for the first time since all of this started.

"Fuck," Kili whimpered as Thorin pulled her more up, her back resting against his chest. "It hurts so bad."

"Shh," Thorin kissed her temple. He slipped his hands under his coat he had draped over her. He rubbed his palms together warming them before pressing them over her slightly swollen belly. 

Kili hissed from the pressure but the pain started to slowly ebb away, at least the edge of it was going away. She leaned heavily against him making a little noise of appreciation.

"I’ve had to do this for your mother before." Thorin said softly.

"Hopefully not naked on the bank of a stream."

The king chuckled. “No. Our mother had passed before Dis had come into womanhood. We knew what to expect but what to do about it to help ease her suffering we did not know. Our healers at the time were… less than competent. Frerin and I worked on figuring out what to do. Numbing herbs and a heated cloth around the lower belly seemed to help as well as a lot of sweets.” Thorin brushed his nose against Kili’s ear, her smell was very much the same as before but there was an odd edge to it. No longer musk and nuts like the woods but spices and nuts like festive foods served on holidays during the winter months. Still so very much like Kili. “Would you like sweets my love?”

Kili nodded as Thorin took his hands off of her stomach to rub his palms together again before pressing back down on the soft flesh.

"Then you will get all the sweets you desire every month."

"Every month?! This happens every month?!!"

"Yes."

"No. No. No,no,no, Hell NO!"

"It is how women’s bodies work, Kili."

"I don’t want to be a woman! I want to be a man and run through the woods and shoot arrows and say bad words and get drunk with the rest of you!"

Thorin couldn’t help the loud boisterous laugh that came from him. Kili sounded just like Dis, almost exactly when she had her first period.


	4. Chapter 4

There were no sweets. There were only a few numbing herbs used to help Kili sleep. There were only two cloths for Kili to use so most of her time was spent by the bank of the stream. She was snappy, temperamental, and even a little violent when anyone got too close and could possibly bump into her causing her already pain filled body to feel even more of that terrible spike in her guts. She even threw a bowl with amazing accuracy at Bilbo when the hobbit said something about how pretty Kili was despite going through her "womanly ways". 

When the hobbit nursed his throbbing head Bofur only laughed at him, "You never try to woo a lass when she's sufferin'."

"I wasn't trying to woo her! I was merely trying to cheer her up."

"She'll cheer right up in a day or so, Master Hobbit, when the pains leave."

"Kill me." Kili could be heard groaning as she rolled around on her bed roll.

"Careful there lassy, your skirts are ridin' up." Bofur teased, knowing full well she wore trousers under the layers of skirts.

"And how would you know this if you were not looking?" Fili shot the miner a glare.

Bofur's grin only widened. He tipped his hat back as he blatantly turned his eyes over Kili who gratefully took a hot rag from Thorin and stuck it under her skirts, wiggling the material of her trousers down low enough to press the rag against her tummy.

"You advert your eyes or I'll cut them-"

"Fili!" Kili barked. "It's fucking, Bofur! He's messing with you."

"Kili! Watch your language!" Dori shouted.

"I'll watch my language soon as you experience this fucking horror! And you lied to me about the sweets, Thorin!!"

The king seemed to be unmoved by all the shouting. He watched Kili roll onto her front, her face pressing against her pack as she moaned as Dori yelled at her for her use of words and how many self-respecting women would never do such things and they experience exactly what Kili was going through. He, she, was a princess now and standards of expectations were much higher for her than the average woman. 

Thorin, simply walked away, slipping out of camp. Nori watched him for a bit before getting up and following their leader. He trotted up beside him tucking his hands into his belt as Thorin walked with his hands clasped behind his back.

"How are you holding up?" Nori asked as they walked.

"I am not certain I understand your question." 

The resident criminal nudged Thorin with his elbow. "You do, but you want me to out right say it. How are you doing with the change? Kili being a girl now."

"It makes no difference to the body he possesses as long as Kili remains the same dwarf born to this world."

"Mmm, that's the thing though, Kili is different from that lad that came screaming out of his mum. And there is the fact that now, she can... you know."

Thorin knew well. There was the complication of children born from Kili. It had not escaped him. Upon the first night of Kili's womanhood being proven Thorin had stayed awake, looking at the dark haired beauty that held his heart. He had loved Kili dearly before, he would continue to love the archer, but a fear entered him. It crept into his heart like a thief in the dark. 

_What if Kili does come with child?_ It whispered. _What if she cannot bear the child and the child dies? What if she dies birthing the child? What if they both die?_

 

But he pushed that to the side. If something could make Kili change gender there must be a way to change him back to his normal self. They would continue to Erebor, after their quest was complete then he would invest everything he had into helping Kili. Until then he would help his love in a different way. 

It was the bright yellow color that caught his eye. The flowers stacked up high on the thick green stalk. Honeysuckle. 

"Pick as many as you can." Thorin change the subject to the small field of flowers.

Nori dropped the topic, he did as he was told. When his arms were filled he paused seeing a few bees. "Thorin. I think there is a bee hive close by." 

The king looked up from where he was busy filling his own arms with the flowers. He took the bundle of flowers from Nori, "See if you can find it. I'll fetch Kili's bow."

Nori quickly agreed. Thorin left him for his search going back to camp where he found Kili fast asleep face down and butt up in the air looking as disheveled as ever. Dwarves and hobbit alike exchanged glances as Thorin put down the large bundle of flowers next to the archer. He went to move Kili to lay on her side when Fili quipped out. 

"Don't." His remaining nephew nearly jumped from where he was sitting. "It's the only position she can sleep in without waking in pain."

Thorin nodded and only adjusted her skirts and moved some hair from the open mouth that snored away. "Fili, fetch me Kili's bow."

The prince got Kili's bow and gave it to Thorin with a few arrows while Thorin collected an empty pot. He went back to where he first left Nori and waited. The auburn dwarf found him not long after with news of a hive. He took Thorin to where it was and at a safe distance Thorin shot an arrow knocking down the hive. As they waited for the bees to settle so they could salvage some honey the two set off with light conversation to find some game. A few wild geese later they collected their honey and went back to camp where Kili was awake and had already taken care of most of the honeysuckles. She had just nipped the tip of one and was sucking out the drop of sweet nectar when Nori burst out, "We have honey and geese!"

There were some cheers, finally some decent meat after days of rationing. But all Thorin saw was that bright smile of Kili's. Cheeks round and those sweet smile lines, eyes so happy. He felt his heart flutter and he had to consciously will himself not to blush. She dropped her yellow flower and reached out with grabby hands for some of the honey in the pot that Thorin had collected. He slipped it into her hands and was surprised to be pulled down where she gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Then he was released in favor of the honey.

"I think you've got a little too much sun while you were out there." Bofur teased. "You're cheeks are all full of color, Thorin."

The king only glowered as the miner burst out into laughter.


	5. Chapter 5

"No." Kili stared at the saddle in front of her as she buckled it down. Her period finally gone, now they could continue on in their journey, though they would have to make a detour to the nearest village to pick her up some supplies.

"It’s proper for a lady." Bilbo looked upset.

"It’s also proper for a ‘gentleman’ to not pressure a lady, is it not, Master Baggins? I do believe you are not being very much of a gentle-hobbit insisting that I ride side saddle."

The hobbit’s face reddened so badly it was nearly a purple color. “Oh my goodness! I am so sorry!! Kili, I- oh my, please forgive me.”

Kili snorted out a laugh before smacking the hobbit over the back, very much still the boy. “Don’t worry about it. But, I would appreciate it if you would let me still be me, even in the slightest way.”

Bilbo frowned, shoulders sagging. He hadn’t realized he had been trying to change the dwarf so completely. He mumbled an apology once more before excusing himself. 

"Some people, am I right?" Bofur’s seemingly permanent grin was alight once more.

"Like you’re one to talk. You’ve been causing trouble with Thorin and Fili since all of this started."

"Can you blame me? How often does one get an open invitation to tease a king and a prince?"

"Not often, but you shouldn’t test them more than you already have. They look like they are at the end of their tether." Kili pointed over to where the two they were talking about were currently arguing. Sharp arm gestures, grim expressions and low voices so no one else could hear them. "They’ve been at it for almost an hour now."

Bofur hummed in thought, stroking at his mustache and beard, his grin finally falling. “Yesterday, I over heard some concerns.”

"What kind?"

"Having you continue to Erebor."

"What?!" Kili hissed. 

"Well, you are a princess, like your mum before you, you could bare heirs for the line of Durin. Thorin and Fili are considered expendable in that sense. At the start of this quest you knew there were worries but now those worries are fears."

"I’m not going to be ousted from this journey just because I’ve got different equipment between my legs and on my chest."

"You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I think you’re still the capable lad that you’ve ever been, but it may be your brother and lover that need convincin’."

Without another word Kili marched over to her family. She folded her arms under her breasts, held her hip to the side and scowled at the two men. “What’s going on here? I thought we were in need to hurry to the village in two day’s time.”

The two seemed to start not having heard her. Thorin recovered quicker than Fili. “About that,” Thorin started up.

"I’m not going to be left behind if that’s some brilliant plan of yours." She glared at Thorin then fixed the look on her brother. "Especially yours."

"Kili, it would be for the best if we left you with enough money and supplies at the village for you to turn around, go home to mom. When we win back Erebor the two of you can come together, to our home."

"And if anything were to happen to us you may gain a worthy husband." Thorin cut in. The silence that followed was a terrible one.

Fili groaned, running a hand over his face. Great. He had been trying to convince Thorin not to say anything about a husband for a while now but he had been adamant to not hide the fact that Kili must now, for the sake of their line, marry. While Thorin had his desires, and by all accounts he was perfectly able to marry whomever he desired, even his own damn sister due to his royal status, he was reluctant to take Kili. Even as a consort Thorin had second thoughts. 

Kili stood there seemingly unfazed as she turned on her heel and went to her pony. She simply mounted the beast and started of without anyone else.

"Kili?" Fili watched his sister kick the pony in the side and started off in a dead run.

"Fuck! KILI!" The prince looked around for anyone who had their own pony ready that he could take after his sister.

Thorin ran to the closest pony, without a saddle he lept upon its back. His fingers gripping into the mane as he dug his heels into the pony’s sides. Because Kili’s pony was weighed down Thorin caught up.

"Kili!" He shouted bringing his animal behind hers. "Stop!"

She didn’t say anything, her clothing fluttering in the air as she ducked her head down close to the pony’s neck, concentrating what was in front of her. Thorin cursed between his gritted teeth. He kicked his animal once more getting an extra burst of stride allowing him to come up beside her. He leaned over with great difficulty. He grabbed a fistful of her skirt and pulled. She gave a yelp as she was yanked nearly off of the pony. Once she was closer he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to his chest, the pony she had slowing down as he let the one he was on start to slow to a trot.

"Let me go!" She kicked out in the air as she was pulled fully onto his lap.

"No!"

"So you’ll leave me behind, leave me to marry some bastard I couldn’t care less for but you won’t let me go?!"

"What?" Thorin couldn’t understand the logic behind Kili’s question. It didn’t make sense to him. "No I would never-"

Kili yanked herself out of his grip, plopping down to her feet. Her skirt getting in the way and making her fall onto her face in the tall grass. Thorin stopped the pony and watched Kili struggle with her long skirts trying to get up but only falling back down. 

"You’re a right bastard!" She shouted as she tried to get up again. Her voice was choked as she tried not to cry. "Do-do you have any idea how hard it is to love someone that won’t even say they want a future with them!?”

The king looked to the mane of his pony not wanting to see the sad sight of his beloved. Finally she just crumpled to her knees, crying. “I fucking hate skirts!!”

Getting down Thorin went over to Kili. He reached down to have his hands batted away. “Don’t! Obviously I’m not worthy enough to be touched by a king.”

"Never say that! If anyone is unworthy it is I of you." He touched her tender face. His thumb rubbing under her eyes, wiping a few tears away. "It has always been I at fault for not being the one you need."

"That’s the dumbest and sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me." Kili gave a tired laugh. "Get me up."

Thorin grabbed Kili lifting her up to her feet. The material of her dress still catching in her boots making her fall forward. Thorin growled in frustration, kneeling down. His powerful hands gripped the skirt and with a jerk he tried to rip it off only to yank Kili down over his back. Kili moaned having hit her chin against the king’s back. She tried to move only to have Thorin try to rip the skirt off from the top part of the dress again only to jerk Kili against him once more.

"What in Mahal’s name are you trying to do?" Kili grunted when Thorin tugged again.

"Trying to make it easier on you by removing the skirt… who sewed this? It won’t yield!"

"I did."

Thorin took out a small knife from his boot, he pushed Kili onto the ground. He grabbed her skirt and began to push it up over her head. Attempting the lighten the mood. “Perhaps we should make you a seamstress.”

"We can sell my work to the elves and brag that even in sewing dwarves are better."

The king gave a gentle smile. “I approve.” He pulled the dress off, the leather bodice under and her trousers the only thing she wore now. He couldn’t help it, his hands went over her neck. His touch traveled down past her collarbone, gliding over the softness of a plump breast. He swallowed around the lump that formed in his throat. Kili took hold of his wrist pressing his palm against it. She leaned into him, petal like lips brushing against his. He moved his hands to her waist, pulling her to him.

"No!" The back of Thorin’s coat was grabbed. "You want to do that, you need to be properly courting her!"

He was pulled until he was almost flat on his back on the ground. He looked up at Fili who glared down at him. 

"Kili, get your dress back on!"

"I don’t want to wear it! It’s a horrible contraption."

Fili stepped around Thorin who stared up at the sky hearing his nephew. “I said put it on! I’m not going to have you traipsing about all of Middle Earth like some floozy!”

"I’m not a floozy!"

"Dressed like that you are! Now get that dress back on your pretty little body before the rest of the company sees you and I have to kill them all in defense of your honor!!"

Kili groaned. There was the sound of rustling material and all Thorin could think was; when did the tables turn on him? It was usually him that had to reign in the hormonal youths, telling Fili to not pursue that one girl, bat Kili away. Now Fili was doing a very good job of being the guardian and Thorin was feeling a little like a chastised adolescence that barely was coming to adulthood.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm seriously tempted to put a little fili/kili in this and I shouldn't be that tempted! *ugly sob*

Fili was now officially paranoid. He ran everyone off, even Bilbo and Gandalf, who dared to get within a certain radius of Kili. This of course was causing Kili to bristle like a wolf as now all her “chores” were guided by people shouting at her four yards away. When they got to the small village Fili got even worse, which was not possible, or so the others thought.

"Did I just see you eyeing my sister?!" Fili spat up at a merchant.

"Master Dwarf I was simply trying to show her the fine dresses we have-"

"You saying she needs to undress for you?!"

"N-n-no Master, not at all! I was merely-"

"I’ll ‘merely’ you!!"

Kili ignored her brother looking at the different gowns the merchant had hung up as Fili threw a punch. The breaking sounds of parts of the wooden stall and angry shouts. She grabbed a few bodices, two cloth and a few lager, thick leathered ones that she could wear over the cloth ones. A few proper blouses were grabbed but what she saw that made her eyes light up with joy were the lovely embroidered- trousers. Oh how she longed to wear only trousers and no skirts. To feel the freedom of running around without Fili trailing behind her making sure the damned skirts were properly placed on her pony or even around her as she sat.

As she reached for them the shop owner was shoved into the rack of trousers, Fili on top of him like a rabid dog.

"For the love of the gods, FILI!!!" The trousers were squashed under them, muddied and now a few getting torn in the struggle.

With one arm she grabbed the back of Fili’s coat and yanked him back. Her teeth bared as she growled like a feral beast. Her nose pressed flush against his as her angry glare pierced him into submission. “Fili.”

"Y…yes?" The prince had never been in this situation before, not even their mother looked this… deadly.

"Get. the. fuck. off. my. trousers."

Meanwhile Bofur was howling with laughter, a good distance away as permitted by Fili. He clutched his stomach and leaned against Dwalin who let him slide to his knees. Dwalin batted Bofur away when the miner grabbed the bottom edge of his tunic in one last desperation from collapsing to the ground fully. When his face was in the dirt and he started to choke on the dust, Dwalin smirked and gave a small laugh himself. It wasn’t until Thorin and Balin came to join them that Dwalin grabbed Bofur and helped him up.

"What happened?" Thorin asked, in his hands some hard leather pieces embossed with dwarven symbols.

"Aw, the Durin name being upheld to its finest." Bofur tried to rub some dirt off of his face.

"Oh, Mahal… Did Fili attack a shop keeper?" Thorin didn’t want to look down the street where he heard Kili’s shout over something.

"Aye, he did." Bofur couldn’t stop grinning and his face was starting to hurt.

"By the gods." The king grumbled, and they all heard the unspoken "why me?"

He tucked the leather chunks under his arm and ventured over to the shop where Kili was practically in stress-filled tears as she shouted over how all she wanted was some trousers now they were ruined. Thorin placed down his things and joined Kili and Fili on the shop’s floor picking up torn and stained fabric.

"I mean really, I just wanted some trousers! I don’t like being a lady!! You could at least give me this, brother!!" Kili started to fully cry as she scrambled for something, anything that could work. 

Thorin ran a hand over Kili’s back gaining her attention. She looked to him for the first time of his arrival. Then threw herself into his arms. She cried and cried as he soothed a hand over her hair. He shot Fili a glare. The prince looked away, ashamed he had reduced his sibling to tears. 

Then he found a couple of trousers that were salvageable. He held them up, one a dark blue, the other black with mint green embroidery. “Hey, hey, Kili.” Fili touched Kili’s arm only to have her swipe her arm at him trying to get him away. “Kili. I-I’m sorry, but there are two pairs here that would fit you.”

She slowly fell into silence, turning her back to Fili. Her arms wrapped around Thorin’s neck as she basically cut Fili completely off.

"Come, let us take you some where to relax." Thorin stood up, bringing Kili to her feet. "Fili, I expected you to do the right thing. To take care of her in this difficult time, not cage her, making things harder for her to bear. Reflect on what you have done and when you have finished cleaning up the mess you have created in this shop, meet us at the tavern."

Fili nodded as he watched them leave. Thorin came back, picking up the leather he had left behind and went back to Kili’s side, taking her to the tavern where he had promised. Fili on the other hand, had a mess to deal with, in which he took a long time to think.

He had been hard on Kili, much harder than he would have been if she was a he. Fili would have let Kili do anything she wanted to do if she was still his brother. But some where his responsibility as a brother grew into distrust. He needed to be a brother again not a jealous, paranoid, guardian. 

By the time he left he had little coin left to his name. He had to pay for all the clothing that was damaged, what Kili ran off with, as well as the damages to the shop and the owner’s face he had dealt. When he got to the tavern he felt himself bristle at how Thorin had an arm around Kili’s shoulders as they sat at a table. But he had to keep himself in check as he saw how happy Kili was. The tips of her boots were on the floor, pointed in as she drank from her mug with two hands. Her body was relaxed and very much happy. He had on her new clothes, and what looked like hard leather armor, some strapped over her thighs, a plated piece down her stomach, she had on bracers that matched and it looked like a proper breast plate was settled next to her on an empty set.

It wasn’t until he pulled up a chair at the table that he felt his heart stop. In her hair was a courting braid and bead. 

"Take that out." He said sternly pointing at the bead and braid.

"No." She said simply.

"Yes. He did not ask me for permission. Take it out."

"It’s not up to you. We don’t exactly have a normal relationship going on here. So I figured, I would have as much right as you to answer if he asked to court me." Kili picked up the breast plate and shoved it across the table to Fili. "He even got me a proper courting gift."

Fili looked at the traditional dwarven patterns on the leather, and it certainly was idealistic for the archer to have. He passed it back.

"Kili. Come here."

He said it in a tone that made the girl sigh, knowing he would badger her if she didn’t do what he said. She got up and rounded the table where Fili took out her braid and bead despite how much she complained. When it was fully out he looked to Thorin who was glaring at him and he returned it.

"Don’t. I already told you, you have to ask me."

Thorin eyed Fili for a moment before he spoke. “May I have permission to court your sister?”

Fili looked at him hard. “No.”

"Why?!" Kili shoved Fili who barely budged.

"He knows why and you do too." Fili grabbed Kili’s wrist. He grabbed Kili and yanked her out of the tavern. "Until he can prove to me that he wants a future with you, a real one. He’s not going to gain my favor."

Kili went silent. It was true… Thorin didn’t want Kili to be his consort when they reclaimed Erebor. Their whole “love” was a fling to the king and Kili was willing to suffer it. To see Thorin marry, have children with some dwarrowdam, and only for Kili to be called to his bed on lonely nights. But now, now things are different.

"Fili, please just say yes, I love him."

Fili stopped walking and took hold of Kili’s shoulders. “And I love you too much to let this continue. Like any other suitor, he must prove himself worthy of you. And by Mahal’s hammer, I will not let him take advantage of you any more. As he told me in the shop, I need to do the right thing. And… I’m sorry for how I have been treating you. I’ll try very hard not to do it any more. You are still a skilled warrior, you’re still part of this company, apart of this quest. But please, let me do this for you at least. Let me protect your heart, even if it’s just a little.”

Kili swallowed. “Do… you really think he doesn’t want me?”

"I think he needs to realize how much he is loosing in not having you. Which means you need to keep away from him. Think with your head while around him, not your heart. Can you try that for me?" He brushed a lock of hair away from her face.

She nodded. “I’ll try…”

Fili kissed Kili’s cheek, moving his lips up to her forehead as he hugged her close. He let the kiss linger as long as he could while Kili leaned into it and hugged him back.


	7. last chapter

Thorin got drunk that night. He spent so much time in the tavern that the owner had to clean around the lonely king. He was tempted to lock the doors and leave Thorin were he was, instead he pulled up a chair and threw down a plate of left over bread and cheese.

"You drank a lot, even for a dwarf." The man slid the wooden mug away from Thorin's hands.

Thorin took a long breath through his nose as he ran a hand through his hair, looking up as if he was just waking from a dream. 

"Deep in thought or drank yourself unconscious?" the owner smirked.

"Thinking."

"Something dire, by your condition. Got a big decision to make?"

"Very pressing." He swallowed, his throat feeling dry.

"Have you figured it out?"

"Not as of yet. I need a few more minutes."

"In a few more minutes I will be in my bed next to the Misses and you will be locked in here." He shoved the plate closer to Thorin who only picked up a piece of bread and crumbled it between his fingers. "What bother's you? Was it that woman you were with and the lad she left with?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"I am... not worthy of her hand."

"Why?"

He wasn't sure if it was the ale speaking or himself, but his usual tight lip slipped a fraction at the probing. "I have been a coward. I have wanted to be with Kili for a very long time. I want to build a future with my pretty raven... but... something always stops me from saying it, showing it." He sighed. "Kili deserves better than I."

"Do you have the means to provide for her?"

"Yes. I have provided for her and her family for a while now..."

"What would you do if she died?"

"Never forgive myself." Thorin suddenly stood up. "By the gods, that's it. That is what he is requiring." He patted down his waist finding his coin pouch. He tossed the whole thing down on the table while nearly tripping over a chair. "I must go, thank you."

It was the cold air that woke his mind from his sudden realization with another- he had no idea where Fili and Kili were staying that night. And like any drunk man on the doorstep of desperation he started wandering the streets. He cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted every few steps, "Kili!"

Fili woke the the annoying sound of someone yelling Kili's name. His sleepy mind made him clutch his sibling close to his own body in a protective nature. Back in the Blue Mountains, soon as Kili was of age he had many suitors that pined after him. He did not let Kili out of his sight until he was positive that he knew Kili could defend himself against perverts. He dropped his worry when Thorin staked claim to the brunette as a lover.

"Kili!!"

Kili shifted on the bed, her face rubbing against Fili's shoulder. "Make 'em go away, who ever it is."

Fili sighed, pulling himself out of bed. He went to the window opening it up, looking down to the street below where he saw Thorin, who stumbled and still shouted. If he had any less love for his uncle he would have left him out there to embarrass himself.

He slipped out of their room, waving a hand at Kili who sat up in bed, her white night gown looking like a large sack over her body. She padded over to the window in time to see Fili come out of the inn.

"Fili," Thorin staggered over to his nephew, his hands slapping down on to Fili's shoulders. "I get it. I understand, son." He gripped the back of Fili's neck. "I'll give it up, all of it, for Kili."

Fili tried pulling back, "Thorin, you smell like a brewery. You're not thinking right."

"I'm thinking fine." He nearly fell over as he got down on one knee, grabbing Fili's hand. "Allow me to marry her. You will never have to worry for her safety, never worry she married wrong. Please."

Fili sighed. "Uncle... Do you understand why I don't want you with Kili?"

"Smaug eats virgins, I will not risk Kili in such a way, he will not take our Kili. And I want a future with her." He tried pulling himself up only to fall onto his back on the bare dirt ground. He spotted Kili looking out of the window above, a smile on her face. "Kili! I found you."

"You found me. How drunk is he, Fili?"

"I think he killed his liver."

"Wonderful."

"Kili!" Thorin struggled up to his feet. "Kili! I love you! It's over, all of it!"

"But... you just said you loved me."

Thorin stared for a while before it caught up to his brain. "What? No, not us! The quest!"

"What?!" Kili shouted down, nearly falling out the window. "We have to reclaim Erebor and-"

"We can start our kingdom anew, The Blue Mountains have been kind to us." He looked to Fili. "I will not be king there, Fili will."

"Thorin, you're really drunk. Come on. Let's get you inside. You want to sleep in our room?"

"That would be nice."

Fili shook his head as they went in. At least Thorin was a compliable drunk.

In the morning Thorin nearly drowned himself in the basin trying to get rid of the smell of cheap ale. He didn't say anything no matter the questions that were sent his way by his intended and his nephew. He dressed himself and went outside. Once their party was gathered once more he stood in the middle of them.

"Everyone, I... must apologize to all of you for what I must do." He started. He took his time looking each one in the face with a smile and pride. "When I called, you all came without a guess or wonder. You have much to gain from this quest, but I wish to inform you that I am disbanding the Company of Thorin Oakenshield."

"What? Why?" Nori asked. He looked between Dori and Ori, "We need this money."

Thorin held up a hand. "Nori, I understand. We all have little, this was our chance to regain our kingdom. But I will give you this as an alternative. Work with me. Let us rebuild our kingdom in the Blue Mountains. Land will be gifted to you to lord over, you will never want for coin as we make the Blue Mountains into the new Erebor. It is rich with resources, we already know this."

"We will need to formally crown you." Balin stated, stroking his beard. "As we already have a strong hold of that region all we would need to do is start to build a capital city, and contact the other kingdoms of men and elves."

"We will not be crowning me." Thorin patted Fili on the back with pride. "This will be Fili's kingdom. A grand, wise, ruler, for a grand, new, kingdom."

"But- no, I'm not ready to be a king. By all rights it should be you."

"It won't do well for a new kingdom to be founded by a fool who set out on a quest to reclaim an old one and failed. You had the wisdom to make me see the light." He smiled at Kili.

Fili folded his arms and scuffed his boot a little. He looked up to everyone else. "What do you think? You'll all be my advisors, in a way."

Balin smiled, relief showing on his old face. He stuck out his hands and bowed. "Balin, at your service, my king."

"Dwalin, at your service."

"Ori, Dori, and Nori, at your service and your family's."

"Bombur and Bifur, at your service."

"Oin, and Gloin at your service."

Bofur grinned as he took off his hat. "When I came on this quest it was because I knew it would be an opportunity of a life time. It continues to bare gifts. Bofur, at your service, your highness."

They all bowed after their pledges before Bilbo squeaked out a- "B-Bilbo Baggins at your service."

"Bilbo, you don't have to pledge to me." Fili smiled.

"Oh but I do. If you need to start a new kingdom then you'll need someone adverse in many laws and a neutral party to delicate between races. My being a lawyer and all will help, I should think." Bilbo hooked his thumbs into his vest pockets, his chest puffing out in pride.

"You're a lawyer?" Bofur asked in shock.

"Well, yes."

Bofur leaned against Bilbo, grinning like a cheshire cat. "I love this company, even if it is disbanded."

Fili looked at Kili and Thorin. He could tell that they wanted to touch each other from how close they stood to one another.

He stroked his beard. "Well... then, we'll need to make up some new contracts then. The Company of Fili Durin needs to be made before we can travel back."

"This is true." Thorin said with a nod.

"And we'll have to take our time getting back, if I am to wed the two of you I'll need to learn my lines."

Kili gasped before launching herself into Fili's arms. She screamed with excitement, covering her brother's face in kisses before nearly throwing him to the ground in favor to grab onto Thorin and pulling him down for a proper kiss that she had wanted for a long time.

"Mom's going to kill me." Fili said softly.

A ways traveling back, Kili stopped having her period. Oin declaring Kili with child. Which only made Thorin extra protective making Kili ride with him. Fili stayed close as well.

Bofur laughed as he commented to Nori, "Dis is really going to kill all of them but Kili now."

END

Thank you for joining me on this cute journey! Now go and have a party!!


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